When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
