sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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