Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
