if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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