I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
