I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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