She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
