3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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