I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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