dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
