She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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