yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
