He kissed a someone with a penis
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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