Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
