you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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