dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
