I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
