I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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