I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i think my cat just said my name.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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