I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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