Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
