If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We talked him into tasing himself.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
