you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
How's work?
Spinning.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
