Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
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we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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