Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize