I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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