Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
