That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I intend to get homeless drunk
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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