If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
