I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
