i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
