so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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