So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
