i don't like sucking hair
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
