Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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