sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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