becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
