fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
