Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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