mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
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when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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