Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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