Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Everything about him screamed your future.
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so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
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I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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