so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
