shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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