I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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