the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Randomize