you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak