You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm experimenting with sincerity
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex