get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
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You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
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My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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