ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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