I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
