Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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