Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
