My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
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I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
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this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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