At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
